You work out of a Hotel?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
