I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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