btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
