just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
