I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
