Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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