that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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