He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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