mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
