My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
