I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
