I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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