It's Friday. Sex?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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