I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
3 2 1 whiskey
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
