I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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