Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
