She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
