someone threw a dead crab at me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
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