Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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