You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
