The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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