Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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