you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
