apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
