She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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