If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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