I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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