How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
