I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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