I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
