If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
whose ass print is on the piano?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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