I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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