who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The ass gains better be worth it
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