4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dick very happy bro
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
