Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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