I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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