Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
