You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
