if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
