Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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