Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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