I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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