Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
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That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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