Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
