btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
