Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
is wine microwaveable?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
