Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
