He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
