People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
