Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
