census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
