dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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