I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
