Bisexual people are plain selfish.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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