do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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