i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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